Post of Shame

Alright, here it is. The post of shame. I've been really bad about blogging for, say the past three-plus weeks. So let's talk about what's been going on.

So I got a job. I cannot begin to describe the feelings that accompany such news after you've spent way more money than you probably should have on a collegiate education, so I honestly hope that everyone out there that is still trapped in that seemingly endless mental cyclone of doubt and second-guessing and fear of failure, I hope that you all will get to experience the joy and relief and anxiety and nervous anticipation that comes with being offered a job that you've put so much time into courting for yourself. And it will come. Patience, grasshopper - you will snatch the stone from the hand soon enough.

And so began the transition to move. If it's a job away from where your current living arrangements, there is definitely a return to that nervous freshmen in college mode that you thought you outgrew. For me, it was somewhat multiplied by the fact that I didn't really know what my living arrangements were going to be. I kind of had a place lined up, but it wasn't at all a sure thing. And then the night before I moved I found another place of promise - and then it's always nice to be able to shop a little. Turns out the last minute find was a way better living situation at a way better cost.

It's funny, you always here about how things work out in the end - that the problems and concerns seem to work themselves out. There is definitely a huge element of luck in that. And the normally least lucky guy hit a streak for five days, and everything worked itself out. Housing, check. No insurance and didn't suffer some catastrophic incident, check. My parents, who helped me move down here, and I not killing each other, check.

I think there's a difference between luck and being fortunate. Luck, to me, is things just swinging your way - that cosmic forces just align to pull things in line with what you want to do. The whole move down here was luck. But there is something to be said about being fortunate, to have the safety and security to be able to wait on luck to make your move. It took me a long time to realize how fortunate I was after graduation to be able to move home and not have my parents looking to drive me out. They knew I was trying my darnedest to get out of there. Nothing against Sutton, but it's a static place that fails, despite the best efforts of those looking to help it grow, to change substantially. After living for four years in the ever-shifting world of Boston, in constant dynamics that are the only thing you can be sure of, to stop moving for the months that I was home was painful. You grew past it - it took me a few months but I was finally able to embrace the one beautiful, note-worthy thing about being there. My family.

And leaving, it hurt a little, more than I think it would have if I had found a job after being there for a month or so. Sitting over dinner with my dad, I told him how I realized how fortunate I had been to have their safety net and willingness to let me flail around there until I could get off and stand up again to move forward. I'm extraordinarily grateful to my parents, my grandmother, and my friends at home for reminding me that there are things that are constant regardless of the passing endless landscape of changes that line the road of life. It was something I think I may have forgotten in Boston a little, where people can change in the time it takes to wait for a Green Line trolley to show up. I was getting a little choked up, telling my father this as we waited for my mother to leave the restaurant after dinner the night I arrived in Media. I felt like it needed to be said, after all the grief I put them through at home as the summer slipped towards autumn. I needed him to know that I was so thankful.

It hadn't needed to be said though. He already knew.

There are parts of Boston I'm going to miss tremendously - namely, the people. I got a picture text last night of my good friend, teammate, and fellow blogger Dan Withrow wolfing down a burger at BU's annual welcome-back barbecue for the athletics department with the caption, "WHOSE'S HUNGRY?" It was sent by a now-sophomore who I affectionately referred to as Rook all last spring, so I forgave the grammatical incorrectness of his use of "WHOSE'S" to let him know that, "Damn, I miss that shit." It's funny how you can feel nostalgia for something that is only a short time gone from your reality, but it comes with moving on to the next thing. That wasn't my place anymore, as much as I love so many of the people and places that are there. Even if someday my road led back there, it wouldn't be the same place. Sure, many of the buildings and trees and benches that I would linger on and around would be there, and maybe even some of those people. But it will never be the same place it was, just as I will never be who I was there again. Everything is moving, everything is changing, and while your piece of a place may have been swept onward, it all becomes anew.

All the same, when Rook messaged me back with, "It missed you too," I knew no matter how strange or funny it seemed, it was what's right. It's how the world works.

And so, it's time to move on. I started writing this as a post of shame, to explain my pathetic absence of blogging. Looking back at it though, I failed to really do that. I'm not ashamed, it's just how my life has been these past few weeks. I can't change it, but it's not something I'm prepared to really feel any shame for - dare I say it's a matter of pride.

So I'm gonna try to get better about the blogging again. Before I used this space to highlight some of the things I was seeing around me in the world and cast my opinion on them. And I'll still try to do some of that. But just like, as Paul sings with the Wings, the "ever-changing world in which we live in," I'm gonna try to let this place grow and be a little less bent on perspective of what's out there, and maybe have a few more posts like this with a little more introspection. A little more self-inspired thought to see where it takes us.

One of my favorite shows is "The West Wing." It's what helped get me so interested in Political Science in school, and maybe even to some degree Philosophy as well. When I was home over the summer, Bravo would show two episodes every morning, from 8 til 10. It's what got me up and started my day. For those of you who know of the show, you'll know where I'm about to steal how I'm gonna close this. But I'm late for work, so fuck it - it's time to move on.

What's next.